The Hidden Impact of Betrayal: Why Body Image Becomes a Battlefield (And How to Heal)

I want to share something that’s rarely discussed in betrayal trauma recovery: the devastating impact on our body image and self-worth. After discovering my husband’s 21-year addiction, I found myself in the darkest body image crisis of my life. If you’ve ever felt like your body suddenly wasn’t “enough” after betrayal, this post is for you.

My Body Image Crisis

As soon as I found out the secret sexual behaviors my husband was engaged in, yes I was mad at him about the 21 plus years of lying and betrayal. And, I blamed my body.

If he needed to search for other more attractive women there most certainly was something wrong with me and the way I looked. I could imagine the women that he must be lusting over: young, voluptuous, long perfect hair, beautiful shiny faces with perfect Cupid’s bow lips. As a 51 year old mother, how could I compare? But, I knew that I needed to. And, I felt like somehow and magically, I needed to embody ALL of the women that he was attracted to. Even though that’s an impossibility; no woman can be EVERY woman and shouldn’t feel like they need to be. But, that was where my traumatized brain was at the time.

Society’s Impossible Standards for Women

Noah was only six months younger than me, but felt entitled to trade me in for a younger model. This made me believe that I had either let myself go terribly, or that I never really had the exact thing that he was looking for in the first place. I didn’t believe that I could ever measure up to these other women. So, what was I to do? It seemed, in my dysregulated state, like I had two choices: deep depression; resigning myself to the belief that I am not enough and could never be attractive, or self-objectification. I chose the latter which I believed would involve losing weight, amping up my exercise, and trying to shape my body into what I thought was expected of me. I went all out.

“I was doing great (or at least it seemed that way from the outside).”

I wasn’t too much off my desired weight in the first place, but I made sure I achieved “skinny.” Because isn’t that what all men want? They want skinny with tight abs, big boobs, and a round butt. Of course, it’s not usually possible to maintain the boobs or butt size when you’re losing weight. Weight is lost from all parts of your body. But, we try anyway. I got down to 127lbs, size 2. Forget about Jack Sprat who could eat no fat and his wife who could eat no lean. I skipped as many carbs and fat products that I could. I ran or went to the gym every day, sometimes doing a double workout. I was doing great (or at least it seemed that way from the outside). I could walk into a store, throw some random thing on and everything fit. Even my legs, which I had always disliked, never looked better. But what about my wrinkly face? What about my shrunken boobs? I had achieved skinny, but now I had to uplevel.

One of the challenges with me doing all of this work to look more attractive to Noah was that at the same time I was needing attention and compliments from him in this area, he was trying to learn how to not objectify women—not even me. So, when I desperately wanted compliments and reassurance from him, he was trying not to look at me like an object. He was trying not to look at me as a sexually desirable creature. I felt like there was no winning.

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The Long Road to Healing

Coming out of that negative body image mindset has been challenging for me. Even three years out, I still battle with comparison and self-objectification. On top of that, I also suffer from being triggered by women that I see in my environment and on screens. These triggers can flood my body with cortisol and adrenaline and play on my anxiety. Of course our hypersexualized society doesn’t help women, with its constant bombardment of messages about what the latest beauty standards are and how we should spend all of our time and money to achieve them.

While I’m not immune to the negative messaging in marketing I have become acutely aware of the lies. And, while I still get triggered and at times feel down on myself when I think about my husband’s desire for other women when he was in his addiction I know that I’ve done a ton of work to get to a place of acceptance. Acceptance of myself as a whole person, acceptance of myself as a mature woman, and appreciation of the things I can do.

I still love exercise, eating healthy, and fashion, but on my terms. My life is a lot more balanced now that I’ve had some distance from the initial disclosure and I’ve established some healthy practices around my body image and sense of worth.

Six Strategies That Changed Everything

If you want to try the six main things that helped me overcome my self-esteem and body image issues, you can practice these exercises:

Create a daily practice of positive self-talk about your accomplishments. The more you put a focus on your accomplishments the more resilient and self assured you will become. If you’d like to have a structured journal with several prompts just like that one, check out the journal I created, I Am Reclaiming Me: A Betrayed Partner’s Daily Practice Journal for Women. You can find it on Amazon.
Focus on what your body can do, not how it looks. Our bodies can do amazing things; from birthing babies to writing a novel, to running a 5k or even cooking a fabulous dinner for friends.
Continue to care for your body, but for yourself not your partner. Strengthen your body with healthy activities and nourish your body with healthy foods.
Remove negative messaging from your environment. This includes social media, magazines that sexualize women and cause comparison, and movies that contain triggering content.
Try to be aware of times that you might be self-objectifying, or hypersexualizing yourself. Objectification is dehumanizing and doesn’t consider the person as a whole. When you’re focused on physical attributes alone, you are devaluing all of the other amazing parts of yourself.
Work to stop comparison. As Brene Brown says, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And in the words of Nikka Costa’s 90’s music hit, “everybody’s got their something.” When you mash those two quotes together the takeaway is that it’s best to focus your energy on yourself appreciating what you have because even if on the surface it seems like someone you’ve seen is perfect, everybody’s got baggage.

Working on all of those suggestions might seem like too much to handle right now, especially if you’re in crisis. But, when you’re ready, just try a couple. When I come across tasks that seem daunting, I like to remind myself that the me of tomorrow will be grateful to the me of today.

Remember, healing isn’t linear. Some days will feel harder than others, and that’s completely normal. If you find yourself struggling with severe body image issues, eating disorders, or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a trauma-informed therapist who understands betrayal trauma.

“… healing isn’t linear. Some days will feel harder than others, and that’s completely normal.”

A Healing Practice for Your Body

In his research on complex trauma, Tim Fletcher talks about the importance of incorporating experiential and action therapies into trauma healing. Talk therapy can only get you so far.

I want to leave you with a powerful somatic practice that has been transformative in my own healing journey. Set aside 15 minutes when you won’t be interrupted.

Step 1: Find a quiet and private space. This exercise works best if you’re sitting or lying on the floor.

Step 2: Take a deep and relaxing breath in through your nose and let it out through pursed lips.

Step 3: Starting with your feet, you’re going to place your hands on all your amazing body parts and give gratitude. Grab your feet with your hands and aloud or in your mind thank them for all they have done for you today, throughout your life, or at a special time in your life.

Step 4: Then, place your hand on your calves, etc. all the way up to your face and head.

Note: This might bring up a lot of feelings for you. Give yourself time to focus on areas that seem to need a little more attention. You can stop at any time if you feel overwhelmed.

The intention of this exercise is to help you reclaim and reconnect with your body, create empathy, and to build a positive image of yourself. Make sure you leave some time to journal about this exercise when you’re done. You can also talk about what came up for you with your therapist or trusted loved ones.

Your Worth Was Never in Question

If you try any of these strategies, I’d love to hear about your experience. Remember, your healing journey is unique, and every small step toward self-acceptance matters. This isn’t about becoming “body positive”—it’s about becoming whole again.

Your worth has never been determined by your appearance, your age, or your ability to compete with other women. You are inherently valuable, deserving of love and respect, exactly as you are right now. The work of healing is simply about remembering that truth and living from that place of knowing.

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. And know that you’re not alone in this journey.