You Get to Be Angry: How Women Can Use Their Rage to Heal From Betrayal

When Beth discovered her husband’s affair, she felt something she’d never experienced before: pure, white-hot rage. “I wanted to throw things, scream, and honestly, I wanted to hurt him the way he’d hurt me,” she admits. “But family, friends (even my pastor) kept telling me to calm down, to forgive, to move on. I felt like I was going crazy.”

Sarah isn’t alone. According to research by Dr. Knowlton at the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, women who have been intimately betrayed report experiencing the most intense anger of their entire lives. Yet society tells us this anger is “too much,” “hysterical.” It’s an emotion that’s better locked away or gotten over quickly.

What if that’s completely wrong? What if anger is actually one of the main keys to healing?

What Society Gets Wrong About Women & Anger

From childhood, women receive clear messages about anger: Don’t be hysterical. Calm down. You’re overreacting. Just get over it.

Those are dismissive comments. They’re part of a system designed to keep women quiet and disempowered. “When we deny ourselves the right to be angry, we deny our pain,” explains Dr. Brené Brown. She describes anger as “the most compassionate response to experiencing injustice.” 

When you discover your partner’s betrayal—whether it’s an affair, porn addiction, or emotional infidelity—you’re not just dealing with broken trust. Research by Dr. Omar Minwalla shows that what many women experience is “deceptive sexuality“: a pattern of psychological abuse involving systematic lying, gaslighting, and reality manipulation. If you feel angry about this, it’s not an overreaction. It’s a completely appropriate response to the way you’ve been treated and the losses that you’ve incurred which may include:

• Loss of the relationship you thought you had
• Loss of the your sense of safety and security
• Loss of the trust in your own perceptions
• Loss of the your understanding of reality itself

Think about it this way: In the movie Gaslight the protagonist, Paula, is controlled by her husband who uses sleight of hand and verbal manipulations to make her think she’s crazy. In the end, she learns that he never loved her. He was just using her to find hidden jewels in a house she had inherited. If you were her, wouldn’t anger be the natural response?

Why Your Anger Is Actually Your Superpower

Here’s what might surprise you: that rage burning inside you? It’s not something to extinguish—it’s fuel for transformation.

Anger gives you energy. When you’re angry, your body floods with adrenaline. Instead of fighting this natural response, you can harness it as power for change.

Anger clarifies your values. What makes you furious reveals what matters most to you, what you won’t tolerate, and what you feel you deserve.

Anger motivates action. Every major social movement started with righteous anger at injustice. Your anger doesn’t just make you feel bad—it can drive you to create something better.

Anger helps you set boundaries. When you’re connected to your anger, you’re more likely to say no, protect yourself, and demand better treatment.

The problem isn’t anger itself—it’s what we do with it. Anger turned inward becomes depression and self-harm. But anger channeled outward can become a force for positive change.

As attachment theory specialist Heidi Priebe puts it: “Anger is a conversation between you and your inner self.” What is that conversation trying to tell you?

Where to Safely Release the Fire

Before you can transform anger, you need to let it out. Suppressing these feelings only makes them more destructive. Here are healthy ways to release that energy:

Get physical: Try a rage room (yes, they exist!), intense exercise like kickboxing and running, or even screaming into a pillow. Your body and mind can be helped by using movement this way to release tension.

Find your tribe: Join betrayal trauma support groups, work with a trauma-informed therapist, or confide in friends who truly understand what you’re going through.

Get creative: Paint your anger, create playlists that match your mood, or try any art form that lets you externalize these big emotions.

The goal isn’t to eliminate anger—it’s to express it safely so you can then channel it constructively.

8 Ways to Transform Rage Into Growth

Now let’s talk about the real work—using this anger as fuel for transformation. These tools are inspired by Soraya Chemaly‘s book, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger:

1. Develop self-awareness. Get to know your attachment style and communication patterns. When anger arises, ask: “What is this protecting? What does it want me to know?”

2. Give yourself permission to be “difficult.” Stop prioritizing others’ comfort over your own healing. It’s okay if people don’t like your anger—that’s their issue, not yours.

3. Care with intention. Use your anger to clarify boundaries. Say no to draining situations and only invest emotional energy where it’s truly wanted.

4. Don’t rush forgiveness. Real forgiveness can’t be forced or hurried. You can choose to forgive when the harmful behavior has actually stopped and you’re ready—not before.

5. Reclaim your body. Research shows that participating in physical activities can provide women with higher self-esteem and more resistance to harmful messages. Focus on what your body can do, not just how it looks. Practice speaking to yourself with kindness.

6. Harness the shift in power-dynamics. When you’ve established a relationship where both parties are living with authenticity and transparency, the playing field is leveled. Your partner will no longer have the upper hand because he has all the information. Use internal fire to set a boundary around continued equality.

7. Tell your story. Allow yourself to write out your story to reclaim your voice. You can choose to share this with your therapist, in support groups, or however feels safe to you. Your story matters. Your experience matters. Don’t let anyone minimize it.

8. Help other women. Transform your anger into purpose by sharing what you’ve learned with other women who are healing from betrayal trauma. And/or, become an activist fighting against what Pornland author, Gail Dines, calls a “public health crisis.”

Try This Right Now: The Postcard Exercise

Here’s a simple art therapy tool you can use today to honor your anger and clarify what you need:

Take a postcard or piece of paper. Think about a specific incident with your partner that made you angry—maybe discovering a lie or receiving a dismissive response to your pain.

Write what you wish your partner would say about that incident. For example:

“Dear [Your name], I know that finding out about my lie made you angry, and that makes complete sense. You deserve to have people in your life tell you the truth. Because of what I’ve done, you must feel like you can never trust me again. I am working with my support group to understand why I lied and to develop tools so it won’t happen again. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m committed to becoming a better person for myself and for us.”

After writing, decide whether to keep it private or share it with your partner. Either way, you’ve honored your anger by expressing it and identified what you need.

The Bottom Line

Your anger isn’t something to be ashamed of or eliminate as quickly as possible. It’s information. It’s energy. It’s a compass pointing toward what matters most to you.

But, the goal isn’t to stay angry forever—it’s just to use that fire as fuel for creating the life and relationships you actually want.

Remember Beth, the woman whose feelings of anger were dismissed by people she trusted? She used her anger to fuel major changes: individual therapy, a betrayal trauma retreat, new boundaries, and eventually, a divorce. “That rage was the wake-up call I needed,” she says now. “It told me I deserved better—and it gave me the energy to demand it. Now I can work on a healthy future for myself and my daughter.”

Ask yourself: How much is your inner child worth? I’m guessing that she’s worth fighting for. She’s worth the discomfort of other people when you stop being convenient. She’s worth every ounce of energy it takes to rebuild your life on your terms.

Your anger isn’t the problem—it might just be the solution you’ve been looking for.

---

If you’re struggling with betrayal trauma, remember that healing is possible and you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re in the early stage of betrayal trauma, consider signing up for my workshop: “Survivor to Thriver Part 1: Understanding Trauma and Initial Stabilization.”

Affiliate link disclosure: This article includes some affiliate links. I receive a small commission for purchases from these links. This helps me continue to provide you with free content.